John Cooper-Clarke - Live

Went to see John Cooper-Clarke at 'The Galymore' in Cricklewood last friday, and very good he was too. I have a lot of admiration for wordsmiths, especially seeing i am so lacking in that department. Amongst the poems he expertly delivered was this gem :

Hire Car


double park - don't lock the door
push the pedals through the floor
give it loads and then some more
it's a hire car baby

grip the stick - grind the gears
watch that distance disappear
never yours in a thousand years
it's a hire car baby

hire-car, hire-car
why would anybody buy a car?
bang it, prang it, say ta ta
it's a hire car baby

bad behaviour on the street
save yourself a couple of sheets
collision rate keeps it sweet
it's a hire car baby

show this motor no respect
bump it, dump it, call collect
what else do the firm expect
it's a hire car baby

drive the fucker anywhere
just like you don't care
put it down to wear and tear
it's a hire car baby

pray the person who hired it last
didn't drive it quite so fast
this dakarum dodgem doesn't last
it's a hire car baby

try not to kill yourself
or injure anybody else
don't forget to fasten your belts

rent it, dent it, bang it, prang it
bump it, dump it, scorch it, torch it
crash and burn it, don't return it
lost deposit, let 'em earn it
who cares, it's on the firm
it's a hire car baby

Although my own particular favourite is this one As it was read at my wedding last year.

And here's some old footage of JCC performing 'Twat' in a public toilet.

Alleged Terrorist Restaurant

This is 'The Bridge to Chinatown' restaurant, in Borough Road , London, SE1, where 12 men were arrested not so long ago in connection with an alleged terrorist school in Crowthorne. I walk past this building every day on my way to work. I noticed that they now have a notice in the window 'As seen on TV'.... Gotta love 'em!

And The Next Prime Minister Will Be....

Dr John Reid aka 'You Mug'

Long Way Down - Nick Hornby

Take 4 stereotypical characters, put them on a roof on New Years Eve attempting suicide and follow what japes they have in the intervening months. Which aint very much, go far a pizza... Visit a coffee shop... a short break in Spain. All shite really, not entertaining at all. You could sit back, relax and enjoy an unchallenging read... Or alternatively use the book for arse-wipe. At £7.99 I would recommend this for arse-wipe and this for reading


This will undoubtley be made into a 'Blockbuster' film with Hugh Grant taking the lead role as shamed TV personality Martin and I'd suggest either Lily Allen or Peaches Geldof for the part of spoilt rich bitch Jess (due to personal life experience). The part of Maureen would have to be played by Julie Waters, Mainly due to the fact that no Brit-flick is complete without the ever present Ms Waters. The part of JJ the failed American musician (is there any other type of American musician ??) could be played by any idiot.

I can almost hear the soundtrack now... Coldplay, Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating and maybe Dido and in the worst case scenario David Grey!!!. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.